The Almoner’s Tale

From Our Beloved Revolutionary Sweater, Civilly Disobediant, a rare repost of Colbert by yours truly.

That thing he’s doing at the end is a mock-up implying the international signal of a Masonic Brother in need, a type of Parlez/Sanctuary hand sign recognized by all sects in Freemasonry. Upon seeing this, a Mason is to approach, exchange sign/countersign, and ask what is needed, doing all reasonable to aid. I’m not going to tell you the specific difference(s) he’s made, but i’ll tell ya this: the man has once again done his homework, and there’s some Brothers ROLFing right now.

As good a time as any to put down the Illuminati hoax for me. For those who don’t know, my father and uncle were both Masons. I grew up going to Scottish Rite banquets, and was inducted into DeMolay at 13. I was my chapter’s Almoner, electing not to climb chairs, and consider my contribution to the Temple fulfilled excellciae in my offered pledge, who rose quickly through the ranks and inducted a cadre of his own to renew the chapter’s blood. Good kids, really. I don’t know if he went on to Masonry. I haven’t asked him, and the folks i still know from childhood are too morassed in thier lives and children to bother right now with wacked out inquiries, with the exception of my ex-partner-in-delinquency Officer “B”, who can take it since he’s a fucking cop now. (I plan on haunting the rest when thier nests are empty; it’ll be much scarier then.)

The Freemasons are a lodge, meaning that they are organised in a hierarchy that transcends other social roles across national borders and bonds members together above them as a result. They are also Deists, technically Monodeists, since you have to acknowledge one (1) Supreme Creator, no atheists or Hindus allowed (except KRSN, since they hold unity of godhead). Freemasonry was a development of the Protestant opposition to the Vatican, and it wasn’t until the mid 20th century that Freemasonry accepted Catholics into the fold. It’s still rare; we had one Catholic in our chapter, initiated at the same ceremony i was. Our Masonic advisor pointed out how this made us a cutting-edge chapter, and we all became aware of a difference that we hadn’t noticed until then. In other parts of the world, this tension between Protestant and Catholic sects of Judeochrislam are still very palpable, and Rome still doesn’t like Masons.

I was lying about my faith AND lack of police record. I’m like that some. The Catholic was just lying about his record, which was nothing compared to my close shave with felony arson. We snuck out for a smoke with the chapter’s lead trouble-kid wrangler, who laid out the underground rules for us to keep out of trouble with the Masons. Good times.

During college, i went to a couple of dances hosted by the Moose Lodge, a much freindlier bunch of folks. Their whole purpose is to leave religious and sexual identity at the door, and hang out with neighbors from the communitee they live in like civilized people. They had better gnoshings, but i gotta tell you: Eastern Star (the women’s ancillary for all Freemasonry Temples) mold the Job’s Daughters and Rainbow Girls in thier care into perfect little hostess debutantes. This is part of the Lodge’s power to persevere, and a reflection of it’s aristocratic roots and backbone. It was a network grown to resist and roll back Vatican influence across Europe, and the folks most interested in affecting this were the landed gentry and nobility (who would garner more control of land and taxes) and the international moneychangers (who were tied down by usury provisions). Its functions as an old-boys’ club are not its purpose; indeed, it has no real purpose anymore. This is why you see Shriners at parades and billboards advertising the Masons as a communitee resource. The Knights are ceremonial now. They are NOT the Templars, a lodge from whom the Freemasons idealogically descend. They are NOT the Illuminati, who are a fictitious creation of Thomas Pynchon and the late great Sri Robert Anton Wilson. Yes, ok; there may have been the alleged historical Enlightenment lodge of the Barvarian Illuminati, but from the end of the Inquisition to present there has been a non-stop perculation of lodges and Orders throughout the Protestant zones, since they have no unified central social organisation to discourage such secularist or mystical groups. One doesn’t consider the OTO to be a member of the Grand Conspiracy; yet Aliester Crowly and the ‘Dawn have done more to impact your psyche than you know.


Saying that, there is Skull and Bones. A classic example of an organization who get painted as a possible seat of evil power. This is just a bassackwards way to view the situation, really. Fucking think about it. What is Yale? Is that a public school, is it a state university like my alma mater SJSU or even the rich kid’s choice university at state like UCLA or UW? No. It’s an ivy league law school, founded by the aristocratic colonial-era charter-holders. It is one of three (3) in the US. Yeah yeah, W/E Cornell, Georgetown, Hofstra, Brown…STFU. Harvard, Yale, Princeton son todos. Stanford’s West Coast and too young, but was built in accordance with the same ethos: class.

Yes, Virginia, the oligopsony aristocrats speak of class, too. It’s not just for us fire-starters to yell during a bar fight. Class war is real and ongoing; you’ve just beleived them for the last 100 years as they’ve told you how America, Land of Opportunity™ has no class lines, just levels of return on investment due to individual effort. They released this information from the research labs at Harvard’s Dept of Economics, Statistics, and Social Science Engineering. This the New Yorker carried, or New Rebublic, or maybe Harper’s, who knows? The voice of an authorative
is all you wanted. So there’s no class, except maybe the working class, right? Or was that just a Rick Springfield thing?

Aristocrats send thier kids to Yale. Not us, dear. Not even those snooty third generation gentry brats from the Magnolia family whose patriarch i worked for went to an Ivy. Hal owned half of old Ballard, and his factory mixed paint and coatings for the Pacific Fleet and half the West Coast instalations from the time he walked onto base during Korea until the mid-seventees, maybe eighties. He wore a blue Square and Compass [G] ring, like my father’s. (Also an Okie, like my father. If either Masons or Oklahomans really do run the show, my dad sure got left out of the gravy train.) Hal had enough to retire early, which he didn’t, and buy a second home on the 1st tee of the Meadowbrook Estates Country Club, and the lot next to it upon which to live while he built the ACTUAL summer home, and you get the idea. Noveu riche, west-coast industrialists do NOT have the creds or cash to do an Ivy, which is why Leland Stanford (whose advances my great aunt spurned, thanks for keeping it real Nan!) built his University in the hills he owned. This is also why certain folks make the pilgramage to Oxford or Cambridge, where they can make connections to trump the parochial clique at home in the States.

Get it now? It’s called shmoozing, people. Yes, there are conspiracies. When two or more people of like intent agree to pool thier talents and influences to accomplish a goal without alerting the general public and disclosing thier plans, they are conspiring. If there are laws broken, it becomes criminal conspiracy, a phenominom which is all too common in US history, and is a way of life for the group of knuckle-dragging, life-sucking ebola-douches that currently populate the entire center of Washington DC, many of whom met each other at school. Why don’t we wreck thier little game, and institute a direct vote for Chief Executive? That way, see, we could pick a candidate from outside the cluster-throating that comprises the One-Two Party Syndicate, and have our OWN idiot king instead of some bunch of rich frat boys’ pick.

Or do you like coloring inside the class lines?

N3st – Guess You Had To Be There


2 responses to “The Almoner’s Tale

  1. Your wrong,

    not a Mason

    and a bit self centered.

    Truth is better than fiction. So next time you think you recognize a “mock-up implying the international signal of a Masonic Brother in need” think about its reason for existence. It keeps men looking for how to help another not criticize their neighbor without cause.

    It is also to bad to hear you judge the actions of men on what they serve for dinner.


  2. Yeah, like i said, i’m NOT a Mason; and perhaps Colbert had no access to the many public “secrets” of the Lodge, and just did that little arm fold with a Full-Rimmer flap because it was funny in and of itself. I thought it was double funny, and actually thought/think it possible for him to go to such an extent both to imply a sign and NOT out it while doing a finishing move on his shtick because he’s both a true craftsman and a gentleman, and that level of care and research (who knows, maybe he’s a member) is something he’s shown many times. There’s a woodcut of the alleged event i alluded to which clearly shows the sign, as it was taught to me; i clearly related the reason for it’s existence, but i’m not going to be any more clear than i have on those specifics because:
    A) my whole point was that blaming Masonry or lodges like the alleged Illuminati for things which they have nothing to do with is asinine.
    B) although no longer a member of the Lodge community i have no interest in spilling the triviatum that i know (although the historical events recounted by the DeMolay Degree are pretty pertainant to flesh out the brief background i daub in, i didn’t go there for just that reason)
    C) an entire library of official ritual books for all lodges can be found in any number of used bookstores, like Beauty And The Book in our own U-Dist. Compleate sets. I saw 5 different editions of the DeMolay Blue Book there, and a really neat old set of Masonry tomes from the late 1800s. I still have my Blue Book; i wouldn’t sell it or allow it to be sold because i made an oath not to. Not all abide this themselves, apparently. So it’s all in the public sphere and has been for a while.

    Now, as for it being “bad to hear you judge the actions of men on what they serve for dinner”, the best i can offer you is my heartfelt condolences on your pathological inability to string together the pro and con of my comparative narative. This may be due to my lack of clarity on the superiority of Mason-hosted dances over those of the Moose lodge, but being as i was pretty bubbly over the Job’s and RGs i think the problem may lie with the broken-off rake handle you have imprisoned in your anterior GI tract.

    See, i wasn’t doing that at all.

    This whole entry is a resonating endorsement of Freemasonry and a defence of the Lodge against scurious libel attempting to link a nobel social institution to a fictional bugbear. If somehow you missed that…well, once again i prove not to be the great communicator. Sue me, blow me, W/E. I enjoyed my years as a DeMolay and would exhort the lucky few young men out there who are approached to pledge to do so without reservation; and although personally i elected not to persue it i have no issues with Masonry and i don’t like it when people villianize it to avoid responsibilty for policies and practices put into play by thier governments and the companies who own them. I would be honored to sup at a Santa Clara Valley Scottish Rite banquet table again, where i would most certainly eat my weight in brisket, and waddle away thinking “those guys are alright, being as they serve up some tasty grub, and hospitatilly really is the measure of the social animal called Human.”

    So reread and check your prefilters at the door.

    Hail, Hail, Rocky Road.

    Oh nice; see what your misplaced ire hath wrout, David? Now the whole thing has turned from a warm anecdotal rememberance into a fucking kiss-and-tell about erratum and the point is lost. Nice.

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